Sport: Maple Leafs hopeful to play in playoffs within next 50 years

The Toronto Maple Leafs have informed the public of their plan to play playoffs within the next 50 years. After the 4-0 loss to Florida, captain Dion Phaneuf stated that he was confident that the organisation could one day finish in the top 8.

The Maple Leafs have set up an immediate action plan that will be initiated within the next 20-30 years. They hope that enough young children worldwide and mainly in Toronto aged 2-5 will be introduced to ice hockey and will be scouted as they get older and better. They plan to lure the players with offers such as:

1. You’re close to Montreal so if you ever get sick of life as a Leaf (who wouldn’t) you can go over and hunt for a job in Montreal.
2. We have no good players so when you join our team you automatically become a superstar.
3. You get to wear a nice blue and white jersey.
4. You have a chance to end the Stanley Cup drought.
5. Upon signing with us you will receive a hat!
6. We will soon be able to afford real coaches and janitors to clean the locker room.

Other ideas included:

• Muting the goal horns when Toronto is playing away from home. Hearing it every 2 minutes creates low self esteem which can result in depression. Players may also become deaf.
• Force the team playing Toronto to pull their goalie for the whole game.
• Convincing the NHL to scratch 7 teams from the Eastern Conference for one season.
• Allowing Toronto to be on a permanent powerplay throughout the game.
• Have the ice sloped towards the opposing goal. Toronto does not change sides at the end of the period; hence they spend more time in the offensive zone.

General Manager Brian Burke said in a statement, “I would love to see the mighty Leafs end the Stanley Cup drought before I’m six feet under.” The GM is not alone, thousands of fans including  6 year old fan Matthew Wilson have written to the club about the same issue of dying before ending the drought.

On Tuesday March 29 in the game against Buffalo in Toronto a perfectly healthy man in his mid 50s (section 508, row 1) was struck by a puck due to a wayward shot by Phil Kessel. He was rushed to Mount Sinai hospital but later died of intracranial bleeding.

If Toronto players had any sense of direction/aim this would never have happened. The NHL is planning to add permanent hospitals inside the stadiumsjust for Toronto games.

The Maple Leafs are hopeful that one day they will do what many believe is impossible, play in the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs.